Am I Sorry?

Till I was a 35-year-old when people were hurtful to me, I would go up to them and say “I am sorry”. They – thinking I was lonely and needed their company – would hurt me further, abusing me in more creative ways. At some point during that year it occurred to me that since they had been hurtful, they ought to be apologizing; not I. It was me who was then responsible for giving them the privilege of hurting me repeatedly, being mean to me.

As I sat with this demon within me – the one that forced me to apologize to those who were hurtful and mean solely because it could not bear the stony silence that followed a major disagreement and/or fight – trying to understand it and see what could be done with it, there came that stage when I would still say sorry in the hope that it would remind them that they had forgotten to apologize and needed to do so, in order for the relationship to continue. But they continued in their old way being abusive and taking me for granted.

So I sat some more with this demon within me who often made me appear as a weak and lonely being – both of which I was not (at least not at the age of 34). Something then changed some more within; for I started then to look at it from their point of view. I ended up feeling very sorry for them – first because they knew they had been hurtful, but were unwilling to accept it; and second because having refused to accept they’d been hurtful, they naturally would continue being hurtful for life.

So for some time after that I would say sorry to them, telling them I feel so sorry for you; but they – hardly paying attention to the change of words and intonation (since humans have this penchant for hearing but not listening) – continued in their abusive ways. At about the age of 35, realizing that this “sorrying” business was going to neither help the situation nor change their perception of me or their behavior toward me, I stopped myself from apologizing to those who needed to apologize to me.

Every time I allowed them to hurt me, I would instead send a silent apology to myself. Unwittingly, this was perhaps the best thing I could have done to myself; for it forced me to recognize the demons sitting within me – the ones that in the name of maintaining social and communal harmony put the power resident within out at the world’s doorstep.

And what of those that day in and day out indulged in being hurtful and abusive – not just to me, but to every individual who has the misfortune (or shall I say fortune?) to have crossed their path? Well, needless to say they continue that way, and I must say I feel sorry for them. For in watching their abusive tendencies I came to know my own as well; and in withdrawing the power I had given them over me, I slowly and gradually grew in my own inner strength – enough for me to continue to apologize to those I hurt; enough for me to save the privilege of apologizing to those who were hurtful to me.

Today at the age of close to 41, I know when I say “I am sorry” to someone, I actually mean I didn’t know something was hurtful to someone but also that now knowing something was hurtful to that other and caring enough for that other, I will not repeat the mistake; and I try my best not to.

It is after all a mistake only the first time; from the second time onwards it shows (a) lack of care for self and the other; (b) unwillingness to accept one has been hurtful and repair the mistake; and/or (c) willingly being hurtful because somehow one gains a sense of power over the other person.

The entire process of apologizing and forgiving is meaningful only when it is mutual. I have met many people who will repeatedly say sorry only to repeat the mistake…endlessly. They haven’t bothered to look at the demons within themselves – those demons that stop them from bearing responsibility, from healing and from growing.

In the company of many such people I have grown so much that I am no longer sorry they were a part of my life. So apologizing to them is out of the question. But I must say seeing the people they have ended up being I do feel very sorry for them; for underlying those personae in positions of power and authority are human beings who have made themselves so handicapped and weak that they need positions, titles, scholarly renown, etc. to cover their lack of care for their own selves.

And more than owing another an apology, they owe themselves a big one…

Animal Behavior – Good or Bad?

The other day I was watching a program on the television about “badly behaved tigers” and it struck me as rather strange that humans tend to define everything in the Universe according to their internal conditions. It brought to mind my own childhood and adolescence.

We grew up around several pets. Once the pet had become accustomed to our home, my dad – as well as the rest of us – would try to teach the pet the “rules of the house”, so to speak, and when the pet engaged in behavior that was a “no-no” for pets, s/he’d receive a reprimand from one of us humans. For instance, mum didn’t like them coming into the kitchen, and so every time our pets wandered into the kitchen looking for the source of the delightful aroma, mum would walk the pet out of the kitchen and say “bad boy/girl” as the case may be. In those days, it didn’t seem like anything different from how we as kids were taught our manners and values.

However, having grown in the lap of Mother Nature in the early part of adult life and watching how different species of the animal kingdom behave, my views upon this subject have changed and grown. While it is quite natural for a tiger to react to the fear instinct in another being – be it animal or human – with ferocity, the tiger is not behaving badly.

In manner of fact, “bad” behavior is typical to humans. The reason for this is that humans are endowed with a personal will and can direct motives, thoughts, emotions and behavior to result in good or evil. The entire concept of “bad” or “evil” is invalid for the other kingdoms of Nature. Were one to look at it from a deeper perspective, the source of all evil lies in the human need to be in control, to resist the movement of Life, to manipulate Life, Nature, as well as fellow humans to serve one’s own pleasures. And since humans have forgotten as a species what it means to be a natural human being – or perhaps have yet to attain to that state for the most part – it might actually be a good thing to learn from Mother Nature and all her creatures.

For example, one would not associate ferociousness with contentment. While one could associate a preying feline out on a kill with ferocity, one would associate a deer/cow chewing some leaves or grass with contentment or gentleness. If one eats like a preying feline, one behaves like the feline. How can one hope to understand peace and contentment if one’s food consists of slaughtered fauna? These would build in the body energies that are contrary to peace and contentment.

But since humans also have the ability to respond with love and gentleness, if one eats like a doe or a deer or a cow, one behaves much the same. If one were to observe these species, one would know that it is impossible to see them causing injury or killing prey for food. The mind associates a deer with gentleness rather than strength or ferociousness.

There are many ways in which one can learn from Mother Nature what it means to be a natural human being. The more natural one becomes, the more one can appreciate that state in the other kingdoms of Nature. Then one does not look at a scorpion on the road as a creature to fear or swat out of life; or the butterfly with its beautiful wings as a thing to adorn one’s living room wall. One can appreciate the beauty of a deer roaming freely in the grassland or look at a tiger without needing to label him as “badly behaved”, solely because the tiger behaves contrary to human expectations of it; and/or because the tiger needs to survive and humans are fast stealing his natural habitat and food – the forests and its many creatures respectively – which often end up as exotic “food” on a human dining table.

Religious Equality vs Complementarity

I have often found people who try to tell me that all Religions are equal and then there are those that would tell me that all Religions cannot be equal and this thought I find is at the root of all our ‘religious’ wars. Because those who understand that all Religions cannot be equal are busy trying to prove that their own religion is the most superior.

Life has taught me that there is a major flaw with both the contentions because they are trying to compare the incomparable. The former because no two creations of God are the same, similar yes, but not the same – and that perhaps is the reason why we are so many of us, each reflecting one aspect of that Holiness. For equality to be proved, sameness is a necessary condition. Hence is the former contention misleading. The latter of contention of trying to prove the superiority of one religion over the other falls into the same trap of comparison that cannot exist for there is no sameness to compare.

The day we as a human whole understand that the latter contention is partly true, we might come upon the solution to all these ‘communal riots and religious wars’ that are the illness of our times. The day we understand as a human whole that all Religions are not equal but complementary, we might come upon the solution which lies at the heart of that complementariness – which consists in learning to appreciate all these differences and imbibing the lessons thus learnt to grow as human beings toward the Most High.

To say that one religion is superior to another or all religions are equal would be like saying the brain and the heart and the stomach are all equal or either one of those systems is superior and so must suppress and/or oppress the others in order to prove its superiority. Neither can exist without the other for each has a function to perform that is uniquely its own and neither can be compared to the other because their functions are so different.

A brief look at the various religions of this world would show that each religion has its special keynote and develops only certain aspects of the whole consciousness any human being is capable of. When we choose to appreciate the differences in every religion, we can become open to imbibing from every religion what it has to offer us. In so doing, we whole ourselves in a way that would not be possible were to limit ourselves to the one religion, one science, one discipline, one school of thought or living.

Copyright and Infringement Laws – A Modern Necessity?

In the blog entitled “From Yeshua to Jesus (Part 1 of many)” CC St Claire makes an interesting statement: “Clearly copyright and intellectual property were not an issue in those days”. This set off a series of thoughts that birthed the current post.

Part of the reason why that might be is perhaps because in those days people were more honest and pure. The number of lettered humans was comparatively far lesser than the number of unlettered ones. People those days – whether in the East or the West – led simpler lives doing their daily chores, and the work of thinking, philosophizing and teaching were left to the priestly classes, the mystics and the Teachers of humanity.

Part of that reason might also lie in the fact that there was not this need to appear intellectually advanced – something that is becoming a trend of late – leading to borrowing others’ learning to suit one’s purposes.

However, I do also think that the Teachers of humanity from the Buddha to J. Krishnamurti did admonish their students and audience to refrain from merely quoting what they said, without first having tested the truth of the words for themselves. This is because every time one claims to knowledge that one has not acquired through personal realization, one engages in falsehood and dishonesty.

A teacher would see that by so doing the committer creates obstacles in his/her own path or journey. Compassionate and wise as they were, these evolved beings gave us their views of Truth but never with the view to put obstacles on our path. But humans in their greed and need to appear better than others and due to their ignorance of the resultant obstacles tend to fall into those very pits that the Teachers would have them avoid.

And thus is there the need to have copyright and infringement laws in place in a world where violation is the norm. Violations do happen, but these can at the least be challenged and rectified through the law.

Cactus, My Teacher

The year after I joined the Theosophical Society (TS) – 1994 – I met this very bubbly young girl who I took a liking to. She had the same Sun Sign as my sister and so I guess the affection was spontaneous on my side. Her parents lived elsewhere, but she’d just finished her college and taken a gap year during which she decided to volunteer at the TS. We enjoyed each other’s company and had pretty similar interests. She was a bundle of knowledge about things I hardly knew at that time; and like me she was quite an idealist, believing in a just world where animals have equal rights to humans over life and freedom.

After about six or so months, I began to notice that others at the TS didn’t like me as much as they used to and wondered why that should be so, because I wasn’t doing anything offensive. I was at that time studying for my PhD at the Madras University, so I spent most of my time at the University or at a library researching my thesis.

After about a year of having worked at the TS, she went back to her parents to pursue her higher studies. And strangely, a few weeks after she had left I noticed that people didn’t have any problems with me any longer. They treated me right; liked me; went out of their way to talk to me and everything was back to normal.

She and a couple of her friends came to work at the TS for a few months in 1998 – the same year I joined their editorial office as a part-time worker. Everything was like before – we went for movies, she came home often, chatted quite gaily about this and that with mum as well. Mum treated her like a daughter. But then on the social front, problems began to crop up again. She was always good to me; but the others, well…misunderstandings, gossip, all kinds of things I’d never said and/or done got pushed on to me and I didn’t understand why this should happen.

When I hurt, I would share that hurt with her considering her to be a good friend and like a sister; but it never occurred to me in those days that she could use these confidences to her advantage. In late 2000, someone else who was a close friend of ours told me when I was talking about her strange behavior toward me at work (since we worked together as well) – that this other “friend” had said I was a bad girl and I was rather hurt that people who visited me almost on a daily basis, partied with me, went shopping and attended concerts with me were willing to believe the lies of this sister-friend. But fortunately for me she had already left and this other friend was quite shocked by her own outburst and the contradictions between the Preethi she met every single day outside of office and the Preethi she thought she was meeting at work every day too.

Anyhow, to cut a long story short, after a gap of 4 years this friend-sister came into my life again when she came to work at the TS having completed her Masters’ degree and a few months of work at an insurance company. When we came to know she was coming back, the first question my mum asked me, “Are you going to allow her to come home and all that again?” And I said, “Well, I have changed and grown in these four years. She might have too. Why should I treat her any different based on past experiences with her?” I think my mum wasn’t too happy with that decision because she’d seen how much I had suffered the previous years; and was naturally protective.

And then she came, full of her knowledge of many more things than I would know or perhaps even care about really. But she was welcomed home like before and she was often at our place, regaling us with stories and laughter, watching movies with us, sharing things and life. About six months into this fresh lease, the same problems as before started to crop up. For everyone she was the good girl; Preethi was the bad one, the troublemaker.

After a particularly bad bout of argument with another friend who had been avoiding me of late, I finally figured I was being stupid. One doesn’t hug a cactus. I just withdrew; made sure we were never together, except at meetings of the TS. I didn’t want to gossip, because I knew how much it hurt. A lot of people tried to ask me what had happened for me to socially withdraw, but I didn’t want to talk about it to anyone. I didn’t want to justify my being to anyone.

I didn’t mean her ill, but I realized that to make myself suffer – in the name of kindness, love, forgiveness etc. – repeatedly is unhealthy and uncaring to my own self. I had to be my own best friend before I could be that to anyone else. I didn’t invite her home, didn’t go over to hers. Socially I withdrew from the entire caustic circle.

After about seven or eight months, I began to interact with her in social situations, but kept my communication to the minimum and often guarded. I’d give her books I thought she would appreciate; when she got married I was there attending. Now she’s settled elsewhere, but she has been one of my teachers.

She taught me some very important lessons, most important of which is that one doesn’t hug a cactus; also that we all have such cacti in our lives, but as they say one man’s poison is another man’s medicine. And so if one has had a bad experience with someone, one doesn’t go and blab it out spoiling that person’s name/character and gossiping about it.

Allow each person in your life to experience every other person in your life afresh without your tape running in their mind’s background…and you will have helped to cleanse a little of the psychological atmosphere of this world.

On Integrity

Sometimes looking at humanity I think it got stuck to 100 AD when Jesus allowed himself to be crucified for the sins of humanity. They’re looking for another Jesus; he won’t come. They’re looking for prophets; the Age of Prophets is past.

They’re looking for teachers like Ramana Maharshi and Krishnamurti; the Age of Teachers is past as well. It is now the Age of Seekers, you know? For each one to seek for himself/herself the Truth as it applies to his/her journey, and to earn his/her individual freedom.

It is no more the Age of Compassion and Mercy. It is no more the Age of Learning and Wisdom. It is now the Age of Integrity and Justice.

Look at Mother Nature. See how She has been behaving the past decade or so. Think! Think of what She has been doing; refusing to replenish the Earth that people have been destroying, though She has the power to do so! And you will know what I say here is true. See how the incidents of natural disasters and calamities have risen; and you will know what I say is true.

Look at what the Divine/Life has been doing. People have been killing each other – every day a new way discovered to destroy themselves. Your hymns have grown louder; you’ve become noisier; your call to God has become raucous; your idols have become more and more toxic to the rivers and air; you have included more animals to satisfy your need for gastronomical variety. Has the Divine nullified any of this for you though He has the power to do so?

On festivals, you celebrate the victory of Good over Evil, but every day after that you practice corruption, slaughter, gossip, sloth, arrogance, jealousy, envy and greed, hatred, violence, and pleasure-seeking. Every day – except festival days – you celebrate the victory of Evil over Good.

Do you call this integrity?

The Man who Wanted to Contain the Sun

In a not-so-long-ago time,
there was this fool
who loved sunshine
for it brought out the vibrant hues
of the Universe and Nature
in all their splendor…

…but every time he stepped
out of the sun into the house
he would notice the sunlight
disappeared leaving a pall of gloom
and a dark room.

But loving the sun so much
fascinated, dazzled by its light
the way it danced on the face of the river
he sought to contain it,
to possess it, make it his own
and mostly to look at it and admire it
night or day, morn or evening
and so set about seeking
a box – just a small one coz
one mustn’t be greedy nor selfish
or is it the other way around?

Doesn’t matter; a small box
to steal just a bit of sunlight
for himself to feel close to.

Finding a box in his house
he took it out to the sun next morn
and having had the sun fill it with its light
he shut the box and went inside.

Upon the night
past all his entertaining evening
he sought to admire a little sunlight
but opening the box found
nothing but emptiness
the sunlight all gone.

Thinking the box wasn’t big enough
he procured a bigger box
went out in the sun the next morn
seeking to contain some sunlight
and found upon reaching his house
as before the light had disappeared.

Thinking the box was a cardboard one
he had one made of solid wood
to be replaced soon by one of brick,
yet to be replaced by ones of silver and gold
and all manner of gems and stones.

But alas! Nothing he did ever managed
to contain a little bit of sunlight
for his own pleasure and seeking;
and so he sat pondering
about the ways and means
by which he might
own a little bit of sunlight
with which to do what he will.

Till one day as he sat pondering
under a tree
it occurred to him how foolish he had been
not to see that the moment he enclosed something
seeking to possess it and contain it
it naturally lost its light.

And so that day the fool returned home
and broke all his boxes
small and big, paltry and rich
and roamed the Earth
For the loved the sunshine.

Spirituality vs Materialism

I once had a friend who took a liking to gardening as a hobby. After reading all the needed info and buying the tools he needed to get started, he bought himself some seeds and sowed them in the soil just as the gardening book said he must. But he would daily dig a seed out to see if it had
germinated. Needless to say, the seed never grew to bear any flowers and fruits.

The spiritual journey is much like that. In that it is quite different from the materialistic world. In the materialistic world, results can be seen – depending on the nature of the work one is engaged in – quite quickly.

The spiritual journey, on the other hand, takes several years – sometimes even several lifetimes – to bear fruit. And that is one of the reasons why seeking quick results or having strong desires and ambitions is often said to be an obstacle on the Path.

In fact, not to know where one is on the Path is considered by some to be a very ideal state of being on the journey, because then one doesn’t contain oneself or define the stage reached. For example, it is best not to know if one is kind, compassionate, wise or such other labels.

The spiritual journey involves plumbing the depths and breadth of the soul. At its deepest level it is beyond all attributes, and takes on the nature of Life or Truth. Neither of these can be contained within labels for they ever elude the grasp of that which is knowable.

Good vs Evil

I was chatting with a newly-acquired friend the other day and she said that she found my thoughts very interesting, but wondered how I manage
with such thinking in professional life. Coincidentally talking with my mum later that day, I found her saying the same thing differently. She said most people don’t do that which is good because they see everything you have lost in the process of standing for that which is Good. Had you been materially successful in the aftermath of your decisions since May 2009, people would have wanted to follow the Good.

That was really a very pertinent point, especially considering that I have repeatedly been either thrown out or caused to leave or rejected by organization heads when they realize that my loyalty is to Truth above and beyond them.

Over the past two years since I openly began to resist corruption that exists at the top levels of organizations, I have also been led to realize and recognize the fact that most people will do nothing about it, so it continues to ail humanity.

It is in the nature of Good to fight Evil, and depending upon the choices we make we become instruments for either of these Forces of the Universe. Good and evil per se exist solely for the human species, but having been born human no one is exempt from it. Those who keep silent, doing nothing to prevent evil also become instruments for the Evil forces.

So yes it is a fact that taking the side of Good causes one to be penalized by the mass of humans; but on the other hand, such a one becomes the responsibility of Life and Life then shields one from suffering and/or loss, harm, grief and the like.

The other side of this coin is that if one has opted to either voluntarily engage in corruption and/or to keep silent – and thus allow such acts to be perpetrated – one cannot expect the Forces of Good to protect oneself. That would be contrary to their nature (unnatural and unlawful).

In other words, in order for God/Life to stand with you, you first need to stand for God/Life; which standing has to be in daily living and does not equate with participating in rites, rituals and ceremonies at shrines. Numbers, quantity, titles, positions of power and authority, scholarliness, kinship, worldly success – none of these matter. It is solely individual choices and decisions that count.

Every mythological tale depicting this battle in the Universe would show that the numbers were always on the side of Evil, but the Forces of Good were on the side of a handful of humans who in the living of their lives choose the good over evil, choose cleanliness over corruption.

The plight of humans today is largely owing to the fact that in order for them to “feel good” about themselves, they have accorded failure to God, the Teachers of humanity, founders of the Religions, Life, Mother Nature. Humans seem to have a penchant for choosing that which is worst for
themselves, preferring to pander to their greed and many desires. Ironically when the time to reap the results for their misdeeds arrives, they seek
everything for themselves they were often unwilling to give.

It is not necessary that one has to continue on the path of wrongdoing because one has done that till date. Every day there are opportunities for
making these choices. Maybe this write-up serves as an eye-opener and someone chooses to start doing that which is good. It might mean sacrificing one’s petty needs and whims. It would mean turning the mirror aimed without at oneself. Past misdeeds do not get wiped away, and one must face these – which often pose as obstacles on one’s path – in the days to come, but if one is steadfast in one’s intention to do good, one will always find help at hand to strengthen that intention, which of course needs to be followed by consonant thoughts, emotions, feelings, deeds.

Needless to say, in order to do good, one has to know the difference between what is good and what evil. Currently, wherever I understand the majority of humans to be, that which is pleasant is mistaken for that which is good; consequently, that which is painful is mistaken to be evil. This
misconception has led to a largely chaotic/awry world where terror and fear rule the decisions of human life.

Try in the following days to find out what does “good” consist in and choose to engage in it. The path ahead is not easy – filled with many trials and travails, but if you keep at it with diligence and determination, help will arrive.

Consider this: If you choose to engage in wrongdoing, knowing now of the nature of Good and Evil and of your own instrumentality, how do you expect to be protected by the Forces of Good?

Do You Care for your Future?

Ritambhari has no future. She is not married, has no children. The likelihood of her having grandchildren is nil. The likelihood of her ever having great-grandchildren is nil as well. Beyond that one doesn’t even need to look, because the likelihood that those who are about my age and older today will survive their great-grandchildren’s arrival on Earth would be rather rare.

As is, the Earth my generation inherited from my parents, my grandparents and my great-grandparents’ generations was rather weak and depleted. The result of negligence on their part to care for and look after the Earth is seen in the fact that much of our food is pesticide-laced; we suffer from more diseases than they even knew existed. There has been a rise in the number and types of allergies humans suffer from today. My grandmother gets tired at a slower rate than my mother does; my mother gets tired at a slower rate than I do; I get tired at a slower rate than my next generation (those who are currently in the age group of 20-30 years) does. That story continues to successive generations of kids.

When the Divine peopled the Earth with the many species, this Earth was healthy and flourishing. Somewhere along the way humans started to interfere with Nature’s cycle – poaching for meat, flesh, bones, sport, medicine, entertainment, clothes, fashion. The result of all this playing with Nature: at least half the species of plants and animals that peopled the Earth when She was born can today be viewed either in books or in museums.

Our waterbodies are more contaminated; our air is more polluted; the garbage we and our older generations are piling onto Earth is on the increase. At the rate at which people – with children and future grandchildren – are depleting the Earth’s resources, choosing to pay no heed to warnings by Earth, by Mother Nature, by Environmentalists, by Oracles and Prophets, the likelihood is that by the time my generation’s grandchildren are meant to arrive on this Earth, there will perhaps be no Earth left for them to enjoy or survive on.

So Ritambhari asks: Do you who have children really care for your children? Do you really love them enough to start making changes to your lifestyles? Don’t you think what kind of Earth you are leaving behind for your future generations, considering you all got bedded, produced children, pray daily for their survival and happiness? For, every time you indulge yourself at cost to Mother Nature and the Universe, you are ensuring with your own actions that your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren will pay the penalty for your indulgences; much as our generations are paying the penalty for our grandparents’ indulgences.

Perhaps you don’t care for Mother Nature – She is too abstract for you. Perhaps you don’t care for Father God – you manage quite easily to write Him off these days I see. But hopefully in addition to yourselves, you care for your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren…enough for you to make little sacrifices for their future on this Earth.

…and yes, though I don’t have children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, I care…

The question is: Do you?